Roller Coaster

These past 4 weeks have been such a roller coaster! It really is wonderful, but sometimes I just can't believe it is real!

I look at this little person in my arms and he's a stranger--who is he? Is he really mine?? And other times I look at him and it just seems like I've known him forever and like he's always been a part of our lives.

I almost feel guilty admitting it, but at times I kind of feel indifferent about him. Not that I don't care what happens to him or anything, but just like I'd rather hand him off to someone else and just be alone or at least not have him so attached to me for a few minutes. And then other times (most of the time) I feel a deep connection with him and such pure love when I look at his tiny face, and I want to hold him and cuddle and never put him down.

Sometimes, when I'm holding him and thinking about him, it is hard to believe that he's going to grow up---he's really going to sit up on his own, crawl, walk, talk, go to kindergarten, elementary school, middle school, high school. But at the same time, I can tell he's changing so much already. He's put on quite a bit of weight--his legs and arms are starting to get little rolls and his cheeks are getting chubby. He can't straighten out his legs in some of his newborn sized outfits. Every once in a while I can catch a glimpse of an older Jackson in him.

I am really looking forward to him getting older---for him to be more interactive and for his personality to come out more. It will be fun to be able to play with him in addition to the regular feeding & diaper changing that fill our days now. But I want to be able to hold this little baby forever too! I wish we could just jump around to different times in life--- run around with him at the park as a two year old for a while, then take him trick-or-treating as a seven year old, then come back to the newborn baby stage for a few days. But I guess the trick is to be able to take it all in and appreciate it all in each stage of life because it all only happens once.

I know it is crazy, but I've already found myself thinking about next time. No, we're NOT going to have another for a few years, but I still think about it---have I already forgotten how fun labor was? Actually, I think I kind of have. It is all kind of a blur.
I really tend to ramble a lot in my posts. I guess I just have a lot of stuff going through my mind and this is a good place to get it all out. I need to write in my journal more.